A good morning to each and every one of you. We know you’re eagerly looking forward to your Memorial Day long weekend, but there’s trouble brewing in this bucolic paradise. You see, oil and gas companies exist, and that’s bad. Also, there are car companies that manufacture products that ordinary citizens can buy, and they’re also allowed to â€” get this â€” advertise what they sell. Distasteful, we know.
What’s worse, lurking among the citizenry (most of whom are true of heart and noble in intention), is a subversive threat that can no longer be tolerated. They call themselves “journalists”Â â€” bored, bourgeois types, to be sure, but possessed with the notion that what they scribble about cars isn’t fully and completely tainted by the fact thatÂ car and oil companies can advertise. Bloated and decadent from the checks rolling in from ExxonMobil and General Motors, they profess to speak the truth.
We know this isn’t the case. Come with us, comrade, as we discuss a solution.
The apparatchiks in our California sector believe they have a way of undermining the influence of these dangerous charlatans. A man named Musk â€” we believe he’s part Canadian â€” suggests the creation of a website. Yes, there might be memes, but hear us out.
This website, you see, will allow the proletariat to rate, as Mr. Musk says, “the core truth of any article track the credibility score over time of each journalist, editor publication.” He’s thinking of calling it Pravda, which strikes us as a nice name. We’ve already performed the ground work.
Unless they’re stopped through online shaming from a website created by the head of a car company, these scribes, beholden to legacy automakers and their planet-destroying internal combustion engines, will set the green revolution back years. The wheels of the movement (which hasn’t yet produced a single low-cost car for the proletariat, but we’re working on it) will surely grind to a halt. Never mind that many of these legacy automakers already sell the same green products, only at a lower price point. They’re inferior!
We need the people to march… on down to Pravda to denounce the fevered scribblings of these so-called writers. We need the people to show the world that our leader, Mr. Musk, will not be cowed by the slander and lies emanating from this subversive subset. After all, we’re forced to make rosy production predictions. It’s not our fault if we don’t follow through. People shouldn’t notice. And the assembly line is a new thing; everyone knows there’s bugs that crop up from time to time.
Anyway, we don’t want to keep you too long. Just know that we’re doing everything in our power to counter this threat. To help display the dishonesty and compromised nature of this “media,” our Mr. Musk will regularly retweet our man in Montreal. A solid gent, he is; even owns stock. Has referred many customers to our door, and our program made sure the prizes and gifts flowed. We need more men like him. Level-headed. Not prone to the kind of wild conspiracy theories spread by disciples of Big Oil.
Don’t worry, our most ardent followersÂ â€” modern, right-thinking, coastal types who worship and protect legacy media sources with slogans like “Democracy dies in the darkness,” especially since early 2017Â â€” have our backs.
Anyway, on with your day.
Oh, one more thing. Will you be accompanying us on the gulag inspection this weekend?
[Image: OnInnovation/Flickr (CC BY-ND 2.0)]