For posterity (the following post was a full 18 months after experiencing, hating and predicting the spectacular fail that is the ATS – keep that in mind; I predicted the utter failure in 2013, or 5 years ago):

April 30th, 2015 at 11:11 am
{GM Planning Session Regarding Design Engineering of Future ATS – Code Name 3-series-slaya’- Circa 2010.}

Design/Engineering staff members have been seated. Meeting commenced.

Team Member 1 – “Whew. We’re alive still. Okay, as you are aware, this has to conquest sales from the liked of BMW’s 3 series, so with that in mind, let us focus on what we can change in design phase, now, to ensure it succeeds in that role. Suggestions?�

Team Member 7 – “It’s motor is too large. Let’s go with a base 4, and an optional 6, just like the 3.�

Team Member 4 – “He’s right. Gotta be a 4 banger.�

Team Member 9 – “Really? Can we at least make it FI? Mike?�

Team Member 1 – “Yeah. We need to do that if we’re going 4 cylinder…�

Team Member 7 – “Fine. I’m just staying on message…�

Team Member 1 – “What about back seat. This has come up.�

Team Member 4 – “The 3 is tight back there. I could barely fit a child safety seat in rear of the passenger seat, and my wife is only 5’3″.�

Team Member 3 – “Yep. We need a super tight rear seat. This is taking on the best of the Germans after all. Rear seat room should be like, totally an afterthought.�

Team Member 1 – “So, rear seat passengers really need to suffer for the handling and 3-ness of it all?�

Team Member 5 – “Yeah! We’re not playin’ around. Make it really, really cramped!�

Team Member 3 – “Exactly. Shows we’re very serious about performance, damn1t!.�

Team Member 1 – “Okay.� {Jots down notes for design changes}

Team Member 1 – “Now, trunk.�

Team Member 4 – “Smaller than 3. For weight/performance’s sake.�

Team Member 3 – “Agreed.�

Team Member 5 – “Yep.�

Team Member 1 – “Smaller? Okay.� {Jots down notes for design changes}

Team Member 1 – “Cue. Changes?�


Team Member 1 – {Muttering and jots down notes} “Keep…Cue…same.�

Team Member 1 – “Suspension?�

Team Members 3, 4, 5 and 9 in unison – “Really harsh!�

Team Member 1 – {Muttering and writing} “Harsher.. than…3.�

Team Member 1 – “Okay. Gauges are an issue as depicted. Bean counters say too costly. Parts bin it?�

Team Member 3 – “Parts bin it! Tight rear! Punishing ride! 4 banger! Tiny trunk! Even more so than 3 Series! Priorities!�

Team Member 1 – “Agreed?�

Chorus of “Agreed!�

Team Member 1 – “Okay. Big one. Price? Suggestions? I’ll open with it’s as good as a 3 Series, am I right?�

Team Member 5 – “As good as? As good as?�

Team Member 3 – “Back seat, better! Ride, better! Trunk, better! It even has a 4 cylinder base motor, like the 3!!!�

Team Member 7 – “Gotta be priced like a 3.�

Team Members 3 5 in unison – “Damn straight!�

Team Member 1 – {Jots notes} That’s it for now, but we’ll be on continuation as we work with accounting, who will probably gut a lot of what we do anyways.�

{Laughter erupts.}

Team Member 1 – “Thanks, guys. Let’s adjourn until next month or whenever.�

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